i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
