i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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