ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
