i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
