I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
