the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
