Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the day after is always just damage control
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
