My friends, they love my intelligence
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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