i jhust puked up my retainher.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I want is dick and wine.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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