She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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