When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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