So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
