He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
