not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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