Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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