mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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