you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
