Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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