He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
