He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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