He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
