I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
