you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
