i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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