The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
