I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
