He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
