She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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