After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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