I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
