so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
