Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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