I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
