I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
