WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
