i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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