dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
