im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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