and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
