the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
