I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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