you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
