i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
