Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
