i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
