Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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