new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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