a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
