After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
