You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
