I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?