So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
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Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.