So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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