If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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