I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You don't make any sense
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