oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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