I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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