I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
